Sorry, I’m really shit at goodbyes

So for some reason I’m really shit at saying goodbye. The end of an era fills me with fear, not because I haven’t enjoyed our time together at school, work or a holiday, it’s just I don’t want to do it and cry and when I say cry I mean sob like a baby.

For example I recently left my job, not to go to another job but to look after the family full time, so there was no reason to be nervous right? Firstly when I handed in my notice I was trying to be all adult about it but needless to say I sat down in front of my bosses and cried even before I had actually said why, they thought someone had died. From that moment I wanted to slip away as if I never existed at work. This wasn’t because I didn’t like the people I worked with, quite the opposite it was because it was like leaving my second family. So as my “low key” leaving do approached I dreaded it, with tears welling up on the train on the way in and walking to work for the last time. Anyway the day came and after an emotional outburst in the pub the week before (again it could of been like someone had died) I felt getting a bit tiddly woo was the way forward. Previous to this I had made a quick “leaving do” playlist on spotify that I thought summed me up. To start with “Simply the best” by Tina Tuner (nothing like a bit of self praise) “Working 9-5” by Dolly Patron, however as a parent you actually work 5-9. As the average age in my office is 23 and the choker was making a big come back I put some “cool” tunes on there, well what I consider cool anyway like “Waves” by Robin Schulz and finally for a bit of inspiration and to make it slightly liberating  “Go your on way” by Fleetwood mac. By 6:43pm it was like that scene out of Bridget Jones diary at the Christmas party with the lighters, with people swaying and me looking like a dick.

So now the anxiety has returned and this is because Joe is leaving pre school to move onto big school. Yep this one has hit me hard we have already had one leavers party were my husband turned to me and said “Oh god what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” and through the tears I explained because our four year who really doesn’t understand that he isn’t going to play with his friends again in the woods, he isn’t going to have lunch around the campfire or sing the goodbye forest school song in 4 different languages again. By this point the crying had got quite bad, seriously children singing gets me every time.

I’m trying to hide it from Joe as I don’t want him to pick up on it so a quick thank you to his teachers feels so lame when all I want to do is thank them so much for teaching my child about how make friends, play, be kind, how to use his imagination and getting really muddy and enjoy himself, so instead I bear gifts of chocolates and group collections to show my appreciation.

I’ve still got one more leavers party to go and I can already feel the sadness in the others mums because no one wants a classroom of sobbing mums and a lot of confused looking kids when all they care about if there is cake. I have found that chewing gum and nipping to the loo when you are really going to breakdown is a good tactic.

So I would just say that I’m really shit at goodbyes but it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate how amazing you all are, because quite frankly me crying and you watching might be a bit awkward right?

Let’s not even go there about the first day of school……….


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